WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .

You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL

If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .

Because I said so, that’s why!

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

Shut your mouth and eat your supper.

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM

Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA

You’ll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER

This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY

If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE

I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION:

Stop acting like your father!

15. My mother taught me about ENVY:

There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:

Just wait until we get home.

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING:

You are going to get it when you get home!

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:

If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.

19. My mother taught me ESP:

Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR:

When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me!

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT:

If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

22. My mother taught me GENETICS:

You’re just like your father.

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS:

Shut that door behind you!  Do you think you were born in a tent?

24. My mother taught me WISDOM:

When you get to be my age, you’ll understand…

25. And my favourite… My mother taught me about JUSTICE:

One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!…

Today, I’m hooking up with The Beauty Queen Gene to chat about the funniest books we’ve ever read.

I enjoy reading books with a lot of humour to help me relax, unwind and escape the doom and gloom of the world.

Here’s a list of five of my favourite funny reads:

1. Foetal Attraction
2. Mad Cows
3. Girls’ Night Out
4. Lucy Sullivan is Getting Married
5. Bridget Jones’s Diary: A Novel

The first three novels are written by Australian author, Kathy Lette, who has a really wicked sense of humour! She gives hilarious accounts of conception, pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood, that most women can relate to! I’ve read some of her short stories and articles and she always makes me laugh out loud!

The fourth book is by Irish author, Marian Keyes, who can make you laugh one minute and cry the next! She’s a very talented author.

The last book is the world-famous best-selling book by Helen Fielding. I loved this book and adored Bridget! She reminds me of one of my friends, always getting into embarrassing awkward situations, but so likeable!

I think Chick-lit can get a bad press. Some literary snobs easily dismiss it! But hey, life would be very dull without such entertainingly funny books!

Subject: They walk among us.
IDIOT SIGHTING 1

My daughter and I went through the McDonalds take-away window and I gave the girl a £5 note.
Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’
I said,’Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.’
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said ‘We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.’
The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..

Do not confuse the girls at McDonald’s.

IDIOT SIGHTING 2

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not.
Four is larger than two..’

We haven’t used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park, Nr Watford.

IDIOT SIGHTING 3

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

Story from Potters Bar, Herts

IDIOT SIGHTING 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a Mexican taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimum lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From South Oxhey Herts.

IDIOT SIGHTING 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked,
‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

Luton Airport.

IDIOT SIGHTING 6

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’

She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow, Middlesex. UK

IDIOT SIGHTING 7

When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,’ I announced to the Mechanic “It’s open!’
His reply, ‘I know. I already did that side.’

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire.

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us… and the scary part is that is they have the RIGHT TO
VOTE and REPRODUCE!

I’m sure we can all recall times when we’ve come across someone who has demonstrated magnificently how “intelectually challenged” they are. On the other hand, I’m sure many of us can relucatantly admit to at least one occasion when our own intelligence has gone temporarilly AWOL.